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Feel Like Talking About Depression?

My worst thing about depression is that I don’t realise I’m depressed until I’m sobbing my heart out in a bathtub in a luxury hotel room on the night of my birthday, you know? It’s the times when I’m like “my life is so great right now and I have people who love me so why am I so sad?” that make me realise that I am indeed back in that black hole filled with fear and boredom and unbearable empty sadness.

I wrote about depression in 2013 for the first time. It was really the first time that I had ever been comfortable with talking about it in public and I found the whole experience really liberating and therapeutic. I also realised that there are so many many people out there who feel the same way that I do and who find as much comfort in reading about my experience with depression as I do in hearing from them. You can read the post about what it feels like to have depression here.

Like most people who deal with depression do at some point, I recently went off my medication. You might be rolling your eyes right now thinking, “ugh, what an idiot!” and you’re totally right. In my defence though, I just want to say that going off my Wellbutrin wasn’t exactly a conscious decision. It just kind of happened. I ran out of medication and then I was away and then I came back and I wasn’t feeling too bad and then I was like “ah well, I’ll get another prescription if I start feeling down again.”

But it wan’t until my head felt like it was in a black cloud and I was hunched over sobbing into my bundled up fists that I was like, “wow, this is not good.” And then I felt that old friend of depression crawling up through my heart and drilling down deep into my brain and my core and I thought, “ugh, hello Guilt”. And then I was apologising.

“I’m so sorry, I am the worst. You must hate being around me.” I was lying on my back, sobbing with sadness and guilt and my eyes were swollen from the hot tears burning my cheeks. Because someone that I love was having to deal with my sadness and of course, he was even more confused than I was. I mean, it was my birthday! We were happy!  We were in love! My poor boyfriend just kissed my face all over (except where my hands were covering my eyes because I couldn’t even bear to look into his loving face) and told me over and over again that I’m not the worst at all, and that he loves me and that I’m not nearly as horrible to be around as I think I am.

When I’m depressed, I want to be alone and around people at the same time. Because the only thing worse than having no one to talk to, is having to talk to someone – when everything I think of saying seems like it will bore the brains right out of anyone in conversation with me. I imagine saying something so mundane and stupid that their brain turns to jungle oats right there and then and just trickles right out the side of their head.

So I feel guilty that I’m not the normal me. And I feel guilty that people have to spend time around me. So I try to be alone. Then I feel guilty for shutting people out and I’m like, “no one is going to want to be friends with me when I’m better.”

Anyway, what I want to say, is that I suppose it’s ok to fall down sometimes. It is, isn’t it? I hope it is. Because I know it’s my own fault I’m feeling this way again. And that I should never have been too lazy to stick with my medication. But I’m going to the doctor on Wednesday and I will be back to normal soon… I think.

Anyone else know what I’m talking about? Hello?

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15 comments

  1. Of course it is ok to fall down sometimes. Wallow there for a while even, if you need to. It sounds like you have a wonderful support structure of love to keep you safe. Thinking of you and sending love and strength.

  2. Thank you for being so brave and sharing the intimacy of your journey… Even though it may not seem like it, your honesty has paved the way for much understanding. That, in and of itself, brings light.

  3. Absolutely! I was diagnosed after the birth of my baby. I struggled, I still do sometimes, but it got better over time. I didn’t want to be around anyone, not even my folks, I cried on the floor for hours at a time. I was given medication, one night i took them (a double dose because I felt really kak), I fell into a deep sleep, and my baby fell of the bed. A rude awakening if I ever had one. I quit my meds, and fought an internal struggle. I sometimes feel it pulling me back, but then I fight harder, or isolate myself, cry for as long as I need to, and then embrace the world again. The world doesn’t stop when I do, and it’s always ready to accept me back, so I do just that. Take my time, compose myself and carry on. I am now meds-free for over a year 🙂 All the best, Natalie.

  4. Hugs. Just hugs. Also, I understand. Been there! Thank you for sharing. So many people don’t have the ability to vocalize their feelings. Well done xx

  5. My recent post – not my best writing wrote it really fast after watching the video i speak to- http://bit.ly/1nCz3zm People can judge and say what they will but sharing in a calm and peaceful space is so key xx

  6. and read my reiki post if you can – it helped me realise the things i was deeply hurt about from way back when but didn’t know how to handle or heal, were blown open in the most amazing way – i was amazed and never thought i was into the new age stuff – it just lets you be so very very quiet which often people with depression or a pre-disposition cant do – their minds are too noisy.

  7. Currently sitting in the same black hole, waiting for a little light to pour in.
    I’ve never gone to a doctor for depression, except for the time when seeing too much evil in the world really got to me and he put me on meds for a month, and I’ve always thought that I could handle these dark moments.
    But like you, I feel the same; I’m being selfish crying over myself, thinking of my own sad life, when in reality, it isn’t even that sad. But right now, it’s sad to me.
    Thank you for your honesty in this post. x

  8. Sorry to hear that you are in a bad space at the moment, I know exactly what that feels like and how overwhelming the idea of climbing out of that hole can be. Ask for help, do some gentle exercise for an endorphin kick start, and give yourself time. Most of all though, be kind to yourself xx

  9. This is so weird. You know they say ‘you’re not alone’? Well your post is almost word for word an account of my current mental situation. I’ve been off my meds for the past month too , and have been “meaning” to get back on them.

    My birthday was on Saturday and i spent the whole time either weeping or trying to find things to be upset about so i could validate my terrible mood. If i’m honest I’ve been like this for the past 3 weeks, but for some reason my birthday brought everything to surface.

    My birthday was on Saturday and I spent it the exact same way you did and have been spending every day like that since. Endless tears , creating worst case scenarios in my head, apologizing for who i am /what i am and constantly feeling like my heart is about to fall out of chest.

    My insanely supportive and loving boyfriend tries to better the situation by constantly reassuring me and feeding me with compliments all day but i wont have any of it and him doing that just makes me hate myself more.

    Reading this post has comforted me in ways that i cant describe. Knowing that I’m not alone, in the weird little thoughts I have and the cave of self-hate i currently dwell in makes me feel a million times better.

    Thank you for writing this, for sharing.

    Here’s to us getting out of this dip real soon. <3

    1. Clearly i was excited about my birthday there. haha.

      (Thought i lost a paragraph)

  10. I know exactly what your talking about and could sit with you for hours on this topic, I do think perhaps you should see someone about your serotonin levelsas it sounds to me that they are very low.
    I hav eno idea how to attach an to you rpost, but will mail it to you shortly.
    Read the following article ‘8 Serotonin Deficiency Symptoms That You Can Identify Yourself’

    If you’re feeling pessimistic, sad, distrustful, unconfident, or have panic attacks, you may have a serotonin deficiency.

    I hope this assists you and your always welcome to mail me or chat to me any time. I can also assist with finding the rite person to see, who may help you.

  11. This could not have come at a better time…thank you thank you a million times over for putting into words what I wish I could express to others.

    I really and truly look up to you.

    Thank you for making me feel less alone.

    x

  12. I work exactly the same as you do…. I went off my medication twice because I was feeling better and the second time I actually lost my boyfriend because I fell into such a deep hole. Not his fault at all and I completely understand that he didn’t know how to help me beacuse I wouldn’t talk about it.

    It keeps me stable, clear minded and on the path to being the best person I can be.

    Hope it went well at the doc… they are legends I tell you.

    Much love xx

  13. Natalie – Kudos for being able to speak about it. I fear being caught out. I don’t think most people will understand and I fear that they will look down on me as if I’m a meek person. I don’t want people to pitty me.

    The worst part for me is having no reason at all for feeling so low; getting engaged and a new house, life should be out of this world awesome but it’s not. I feel angry at myself because it’s so selfish of me not to be able to feel happy and grateful.

    I’ve been on Cilift for 6 years now and I’ve been advised by my doctor to never just go off the meds, you have to ween yourself off slowly. Lower doses during the course of a time for your body to adjust otherwise you will have a terrible relapse.

    May you all feel better soon, I know exactly what you are going through on a daily basis. I hope they find a cure soon.

    This video sums it up for me:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc